I want to destroy something beautiful

Tonight is lonely. But right now, this moment is painful. I miss someone that I've never had. I miss something I've never tried. I feel the emptiness in the middle of my chest. Sitting in a parlor. The young couple behind me merrily chatting away. Text alert just popped up. But it's not from him. It's never been from him.

Not yet anyways. It will be. He doesn't know it. No one does. I don't know when. Or how. But he will be mine. I miss him so much. His smile, his body, his energy. How can I want him so badly?

I think he knows. I'm not shy, but I'm very shy. I'm becoming forward. He doesn't seem to care. But does he notice. Will noticing make him care. Do I want him to care?

Probably not. It's that feeling of wanting something so badly that you think you can't have. A car. A pair of shoes. Whatever. It's that feeling when you somehow get it. You don't want the car, shoes, whatever. You want the feeling of getting it. If he cared, I probably wouldn't. I don't really care about much. Family, friends maybe, my cat. I don't think I would care about him.

I want to feel him, kiss him, caress him. Devour him. I want to fill myself up with him. All the emptiness, and openness, and hollowness. All the space that has been taped over and poorly mended. I want him deeply inside of me. And then I want him gone.

I want the satisfaction of him, but I can't love him. I can't love anyone. But today, sitting here, I feel the emptiness of not loving anyone. It hurts in a breathtaking form. With each breath I can feel the pain creep into all my vessels. I almost like it. On the verge of enjoyable pain, but not quite there. Still on the side of hurt. The side no one wants to live in.

The side I've been on before. I want to cross to the side where I enjoy the pain. Like the pain from laughing too much or being sore from a workout or feeling a needle for a tattoo. The pain of satisfaction. That's the pain I'm after deep from within. I like hurting but hurting for the sake of something great.

He is great. Everything of him is great. If the pain of tonight will bring me him, I want it. Him will be all of the satisfaction.

It can be beautiful. He's a beautiful man. Coming together with a beautiful soul. Physical and spiritual beauty coming together. Devouring one another. And then it is over, destroyed, as if never existed.

I want to take something beautiful and destroy it. Keeping it would be too beautiful. Too beautiful to enjoy. Too beautiful to love. But destruction would pay it justice.

He won't care, he won't feel, he won't be destroyed. But in that, my desires for him will. And then, it can all be over. Another day, another thought.

#lovehatepassionlustdesirelonelinessfi